Eternal Meditation of the Clueless Mind

So! There was a time when I was utterly clueless about my life.. Whom should I blame? My imbalanced hormones or my hereditary laziness?? Well, whatever is it , world won’t come to me and say, ‘Oh Isha , you are a failure….its okay, you didn’t do it, It was the fault of your Ovarian Endocrine Disorders’ …No, of Course…I were to be blamed for my own actions.

So! Two entire years of wastefully spending in just eating, sleeping , dreaming and getting overweight, nothing else really happened in my life. Oh yes, I used to attend my classes sometimes, and I thought dragging myself to a lecture is a colossal task which I did every day, ummm, almost every day…. So, I am pursuing the purpose of my life, I am focused… !!! Voila, this enlightened thought led me doing….. nothing else !

So! Finally after two sluggish years which moved in my life like Calcutta’s tram, the kumbhkaran inside me woke up. Yayy ! I have finally opened my eyes from a deep slumber. I am fresh and excited. So, I planned to stress out my body and brains … In the chills of December, I planned to work out. Immediately I joined the aerobic classes. Sports tee shirt, track pants, sports shoes and I am all set to burn the stage. Instructor came and class started with music.

First ten minutes- I am the most enthused girl in room
Next five minutes- I came down to normal level
Next five minutes- I am breathing heavily
Next five minutes- Aerobics is in full swing, I am standing, panting heavily.

Giving the excuse of Asthma, I escaped my embarrassment and rushed out of the class. After fifteen minutes, I was lying on bed still catching up my breath.

So! This was the condition of my body. Name- Over fed, under utilised !

Next was my mind’s turn. How to bring that in shape ???

So ! If you are in distress , there are thousands to give you free advice. In india, every person is a psychologist without degree. An expert advised me “Meditation”. He said do meditation and your mind will be back to focus soon. Meditation ! Sounds smart and elite. Next evening, after some prayers, I sat down for meditation. My pre production stage was perfectly implemented. Cell phone switched off, bed neatly done, attire worn according to the purpose. Now, execution. And with legs crossed, fingers in asan, eyes closed and I started meditating. But hey, what is to be done in meditation??? What to think, what not to think, I was clueless again. And then I remembered, he asked me just not to think and stay focused. Okay, the challenge is to try not to think.

So ! I thought not to think. When a child is asked not to do a certain thing, he will deliberately do it especially with more vigor. Random thoughts started coming my way- Who will cry when I will die??? My sexual urgency has increased within time,…yesterday’s Kadhai chicken was awesome… is my roomie staring at me while I am meditating??? When I will lose weight, I will go out on trekking….And blah, and blah, and blah….. And I was the Shah of my Blah! Okay, no thoughts! And I am literally kicking out thoughts from my mind…. Thoughts are gone…. I am not thinking anything, I am not thinking anything… Wooh…Finally, I have started meditating…But wait! I am thinking that ‘I am not thinking anything’. Oh God, have mercy! I just cannot go thoughtless…

So! Here I realized that neither my body nor my mind, I was able to control. I can’t work out, I can’t meditate, I can’t stop being a glutton. What was the problem? Where was I going wrong? I was unable to unravel this mystery.

So! It just happened that day. One click and I got the answer. I was reading an article about spirituality. How clearly it stated, if your soul is pure, your every action, your word is pure. Yes, it was so true. While I was busy in polishing the outer levels, I forgot that the most basic thing, which is the soul is needed to be purified and later comes other stages…. I started working on detoxifying my soul.

So! The first thing that I was determined to give up was non veg food. Always feeling pity whenever an innocent animal is lacerated in front of me, but when it is served roasted with spices flavoring it, I am more merciless than that butcher. I experimented! I experimented giving up non veg food for a month… yoga became a part of my life. And after one month, when I checked whether I am still in love with chicken, I tasted a piece of it. Then and there, my body, my mind, my soul everything rejected it. I puked it out. I was never so happy before! With the help of yoga, I regained my energy. If nothing else, I started doing household work. Brooming, swabbing, cooking….. I fell in love with these homely tasks, they kept me so energetic. The cleanliness around me helped me in calming my mind and soothing my soul. And I suddenly I realized one thing, If I am brooming, I don’t let even one particle stay on the floor, If I am swabbing I swab every corner of the room, if I am cooking, I put spices in accurate quantity. This is meditation… Isn’t it??? Be it any damn work, if it is done with utmost concentration, it is Meditation.

So! Here I realized what meditation is. I am still not able to be thoughtless, but try to give my best to any task I do. It is meditation…. Isn’t it?

A good and A Bad Day

Date- 25/03/2011
Location- Girls hostel, SIMC
Getting selected for a role in short film (good), Not getting selected in the interview (bad) , call from someone special after a long time (good), created havoc of misunderstanding with friends (bad), smiling in the morning (good), weeping in the evening (bad), someone regained trust (good), somebody broke trust(bad) .... and the story continued.....

I was wondering that perhaps today I have become God's science lab, and here he was performing all sorts of experiments on me. One moment he made me smile, another moment I couldnt hold my tears. Nothing so special about today, though just another day, but I went through the roller coaster of emotions.

Got a call in the morning from a friend for a role's audition, with sleepy eyes I went and gave it for the role of a cunning Indian chachi... and the next moment , got a message, I got through. 'Yayy' was the word on my lips and I was dancing in my room. Winning this moment , I was sure today was one of my very few 'good' days. But the bigger thought was expecting a call from my Interviewer. Today was one of the rarest days when I got up in the wee hours of the morning(okay, a little exaggerated), got up at breakfast time and didnt sleep whole day in the wait of that call. I was so excited that I even took my mobile in the washroom and tucked in my ......(lets not discuss that).... But I never got that call while the whole day I went through myriad of emotions... But HE is smart, after indulging me in difficult and helpless situation, HE sent some angels to console me , to make me smile ... HE compensated a bad event with a good one, perhaps making me realize their importance which unknowingly I had subsided them in the backseat of my mind.
And now, at the end of the day, when I look back, I just......smile.... A lesson learnt again !

बूँद को सागर बनाओ, सागर को बूँद नहीं

वोह पतंग

आज शाम उस पतंग को हवा में लहराते हुए देखा
अपने में मदहोश, एक पगली लड़की के समा आसमान में उड़ रही थी
सारी मुसीबतों से परे, गुनगुनाती सी कितनी खुश दिख रही थी
ऐसा देख के दिल में एक टिस चुभी
लगा मुझे चिढ़ा रही है वोह
पर एकटक निगाह जब उसपे लगी रही
तोह सवाल उठा क्या वोह खुश थी या फिर मुस्कराहट का एक नकाब था
उसकी ज़िन्दगी की डोर तोह किसी और के हाथों में थी
जहाँ हवा उसे बहने को कहती वो वहीँ बहती जा रही थी
उसके पंख लगे नहीं लगाये गए थे
पलके झपकी और इस सोच से बहार आई
और देखा किसी और ने वोह डोर तोडी दी

तेज़ी से वोह पतंग आकर ज़मीन पर गिरी
उसकी मौत की तख्दईर भी कोई बेरहमी से तय कर के चला गया

AN ENROUTE TO MYSELF

Well, this was never in the list of my New Year resolutions. Rather I didn’t have any resolution this year for I knew whateva oath I am gonna take, after 4-5 times of forcefully repeated attempts my sluggish body will eventually give it up. So, this time I rather vowed not to vow for anything and just flow with the flow. But it just happened. Two days back had I not been sitting and discussing the future with my boyfriend while puffing cigarettes, I would have never come to know what I desire from my life. Never that I did my own introspection, when I was confronting to him what I find lacking in him, there I realized that my own voice was not signaling him rather to me. I was always too egotistical to listen to my own voice’s ugly truth but finally when it came out, I comprehended it was meant for me before it could give gyan to anyone else.

I confessed to him that I find everything in him but an inspiration. I always wanted my beloved to be so passionate for work that I can derive inspiration from him. I told him about my imaginary boyfriend before he entered my heart (yes, apart from my friends, I also had a imaginary boyfriend, though , very soon it made me think, if I have not much but at least 10 degree of Schizophrenia) . Anyways, back to point. So, there I told him how passionate my imaginary guy was to pursue his goal that I don’t find in my real life guy. He was listening to me carefully, I don’t know what thought was seeding in his mind, but after I poured out my feelings, it suddenly sprouted to me , how weak I am as to always look for an inspiration to do something. The fire within me has always have to be re-kindled by somebody but by me. And if there is no one around, then I take the assistance of my wonderland to bring someone to my mind who will have an upper hand and then I would try to follow him/her.

Why? This was my question to myself. Why can’t the cause in which I believe can be my motivation to achieve my goal? Why do I always have to seek outside support for my own upliftment? Why do I always have to blame others for my own failures? Maybe , perhaps , had I looked into my internal mirror and faced the reality and its complimentary criticisms, I wouldn’t have to point a finger on anybody else.

I dont expect a lot from this year, but will just try to face and accept the voice of my ownself.... Hail new year, this year is the time for me to make friends with MYSELF.