AN ENROUTE TO MYSELF

Well, this was never in the list of my New Year resolutions. Rather I didn’t have any resolution this year for I knew whateva oath I am gonna take, after 4-5 times of forcefully repeated attempts my sluggish body will eventually give it up. So, this time I rather vowed not to vow for anything and just flow with the flow. But it just happened. Two days back had I not been sitting and discussing the future with my boyfriend while puffing cigarettes, I would have never come to know what I desire from my life. Never that I did my own introspection, when I was confronting to him what I find lacking in him, there I realized that my own voice was not signaling him rather to me. I was always too egotistical to listen to my own voice’s ugly truth but finally when it came out, I comprehended it was meant for me before it could give gyan to anyone else.

I confessed to him that I find everything in him but an inspiration. I always wanted my beloved to be so passionate for work that I can derive inspiration from him. I told him about my imaginary boyfriend before he entered my heart (yes, apart from my friends, I also had a imaginary boyfriend, though , very soon it made me think, if I have not much but at least 10 degree of Schizophrenia) . Anyways, back to point. So, there I told him how passionate my imaginary guy was to pursue his goal that I don’t find in my real life guy. He was listening to me carefully, I don’t know what thought was seeding in his mind, but after I poured out my feelings, it suddenly sprouted to me , how weak I am as to always look for an inspiration to do something. The fire within me has always have to be re-kindled by somebody but by me. And if there is no one around, then I take the assistance of my wonderland to bring someone to my mind who will have an upper hand and then I would try to follow him/her.

Why? This was my question to myself. Why can’t the cause in which I believe can be my motivation to achieve my goal? Why do I always have to seek outside support for my own upliftment? Why do I always have to blame others for my own failures? Maybe , perhaps , had I looked into my internal mirror and faced the reality and its complimentary criticisms, I wouldn’t have to point a finger on anybody else.

I dont expect a lot from this year, but will just try to face and accept the voice of my ownself.... Hail new year, this year is the time for me to make friends with MYSELF.