Why don’t men serve at their in laws home

I am a month old married woman. Though I feel truly blessed to have been raised in an environment where my parents undeniably practiced gender equality, but still there are some ideologies that seem to be set in stone while it becomes very difficult to uproot them even with logic.

My parents never said that I was raised like a son, they said they raised me like a daughter, because there is nothing wrong in being a daughter. But now after getting me married, I don’t understand why they too drown themselves into a deluge of old, irrational customs when they have to deal with my husband? My mother proudly declares that now she doesn’t have two but four children, the latest inclusion being my sister-in-law and my husband. But the thought that trouble my mind is that while my sister-in-law is treated the way I am at home, why isn’t my husband treated like my brother is. Why is he put on a pedestal from which he should never alight?

After few days of marriage, I started helping my mother-in-law in kitchen when I was at their place. I felt proud to be a part of the family where my father-in-law shared the kitchen work equally. And when they visit us, I serve them with all love and warmth. I make sure they feel like it’s just their home.  And the hospitality isn’t intended to seek a validation from them, it is a reaction to the affection they always surround me with.

But when we visit my parents’ home it is not the same case. While I help my mother in the household work, my husband is asked only to sit and relax. I understand that sometimes he is exhausted from office, so he shouldn’t work, or we visit them occasionally so he is treated like the guest, I understand the reasons behind the obligation till the point it becomes a norm. Why do we get quickly acclimatized to the fact that men should not serve at their in laws’ home? What part of their manliness will diminish if they will fetch a glass of water from kitchen?

He adores me when I serve his parents well, wouldn’t I like if he would do the same? And although he seems fine with it, my parents wouldn’t let him. My parents may have non compliance with illogical traditions for the world but when it comes to their own daughter, they wouldn’t take a chance.

Even despite all the advancements, is our society still lingering on the idea of giving your daughter is an obligation? Is the groom side still has an upper hand? Are we still nonchalantly accepting without questioning?

This article is not a rant on men being treated superiorly. But only if we mull over some illogical customs and bring a change to them, the outcomes can make a big difference in the relations which otherwise abound with formalities.

A letter to my parents

Dear Maa and Papa,

My marriage is just round the corner and instead of waiting for it with bated breath and getting indulged in the unbound shopping sprees, I am on pins and needles thinking of stepping into a new phase of life that shall me commanded by me. No, I am not afraid of shouldering my share of responsibilities, but I am a little nervous about performing it well. I acknowledge that you will still be there for me with your unwavering support, but this time, the command will be in my hands.

Today, I express my sincere gratitude for raising me up in a way that is considered ideal for our society. For a country that is so advanced as to send its spaceship to Mars yet so backward, that it fails to protect its women from the wolves of the concrete jungle, I feel privileged to be born in a family where I was given liberty to choose life for myself. You gave me the wings, I chose my own flight and even sky didn’t seem the limit. It stands to reason that one should have the command of his own life, but in India, yes, it’s still a privilege.

Maa, I lived life of a princess in your hand created palace. And I must admit, I was a spoilt brat. I never really participated in household tasks. Trust me, every night I would sleep taking a resolution that next day I would snatch the spatula from your hand and relieve you from your kitchen duties. But next morning, laziness would preside over my determination every time. Though still you never cribbed over it. Soon I will be stepping into your shoes and become the queen while pampering my prince/ princess, because it’s necessary for a healthy development.

You never stopped me from anything I wanted. Be it from selecting my career route to my life partner. But that didn’t make you a credulous person either. Neither you pulled the plug on me nor did you take everything I said on face value. You scrutinized every situation carefully just to make sure I am not treading the wrong path. Speaking of this, you never made me very vulnerable too. From an early age, you let me fly from the cocoon and many a times I failed in my flight, but I stood up and flied again with your support.

I fell many times whenever I bumped into wrong choices. But it only made me stronger, more prepared and cautious for the next time, learning from my previous mistakes. You didn’t let me use you as a crutch every time. You didn’t want me to become susceptible and always need someone for support. But you made sure you held my hand and bring me back whenever you saw me disappearing into the oblivion. Yes maa, it’s time to pass on the legacy of good nurturing to the future generation.

Papa, while all of us made the most of the present and spent splendidly without worrying, you were the one who created future for bhaiya and me. Whenever we demanded to study in prestigious but uber expensive colleges which implied emptying a middle class man’s pocket, you never frowned even once. You devoted your entire time to your future commitments. And somehow I always knew, I would end up selecting a shadow of yours. And it came true. While I am a woman who thinks about present, he is a man who tries to secure future.

I just wanted to thank both of you for your undivided attention and unparalleled love towards me. You gave me the best of both the worlds. I don’t know if I will be able to meet the standards unknowingly set by you, but I will definitely try to pass on the environment to my kids where they would get a perfect concoction of parents-pals relationship from me and my significant other.